Wednesday, October 10, 2012


I've been teary this morning as I got up early because I woke up as Katie was leaving for school just before 7am and then had so many thoughts in my head brain just kind of woke up and once I started thinking and feeling awake, I couldn't sleep. I went to Katie's room to grind coffee so I wouldn't wake anyone and I was thinking about how fast time goes and how much I miss when she was three....and how I miss how close and connected we were and how I had such time to devote and dote on just her and it was all SO good!!! She was my Everything. And I was hers. And I guess I am grieving for her getting older and not needing me as much, well, still needing me, but in different ways and ever expanding her world which I know is right and good, but still hard to bear as I miss Her and I being younger and where we were at then.

I know logically to embrace and cherish Now and that this is a good reminder to embrace how much Kanoa Wants to be with me and play with me and love me, though I then feel guilty because sometimes I yearn to have space....though that is perhaps okay as when I had Katie, I didn't have four kids and I didn't really go on the computer much at all, which then makes me think that maybe I should limit my time on the computer more and Do and Be with him more as I know how quickly it will pass....yet I also like connecting with others online and reading on the is a fine dance to balance it all....I suppose balance is the key along with keeping kids as priority, and not forgetting myself too but in little chunks as I can do it.

Also, I have been missing my grandparents and other loved ones in my life so much lately. Pa and Grandma were like another set of parents for me and my brother and I am taking a writing class and just wrote about my Grandma last night and it would have been Pa's 102nd birthday on the 8th.

And my stepfather has been gone for two years now as of September, so I think about how my mom must feel without him to talk to and share her life with and love and be loved. Yes, it does help me to remember to appreciate the now, but I also sometimes feel sad at what others might be feeling or think about how I might one day feel.

Heavy stuff ....written as Kanoa and the other kids are still sleeping.

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