Wednesday, October 10, 2012


The other day I was helping Katie to study for a history quiz.  I brought up something about what she was studying and said, "Think about it!"  She was tired and had a lot of homework that night (and for the past few nights) and just wanted to be Done. She said, "I don't want to think.  I want to memorize."  She then added that she could think when she wanted to, but that right then she wanted to memorize.  So back to the studying we went focusing on memorizing.

I've sometimes decided to do only what I deemed necessary and nothing more when I've felt very busy or exhausted.  She was choosing to do only what she felt was necessary to get the grade she wanted.  Even though she was doing what she wanted to do, it reminded me of what I didn't like about the school culture; it creates students that put such focus on grades instead of  on understanding and not on what is meaningful to the learner, but what is to be taught to everyone across the board whether they are interested in it or find it useful or not.

When Katie was not in school, she had the time to understand what she was interested in and she was a voracious reader.  She would memorize things sometimes for fun, but never to please anyone outside of her own self.  And never before was she judged or evaluated for it.


I've been teary this morning as I got up early because I woke up as Katie was leaving for school just before 7am and then had so many thoughts in my head brain just kind of woke up and once I started thinking and feeling awake, I couldn't sleep. I went to Katie's room to grind coffee so I wouldn't wake anyone and I was thinking about how fast time goes and how much I miss when she was three....and how I miss how close and connected we were and how I had such time to devote and dote on just her and it was all SO good!!! She was my Everything. And I was hers. And I guess I am grieving for her getting older and not needing me as much, well, still needing me, but in different ways and ever expanding her world which I know is right and good, but still hard to bear as I miss Her and I being younger and where we were at then.

I know logically to embrace and cherish Now and that this is a good reminder to embrace how much Kanoa Wants to be with me and play with me and love me, though I then feel guilty because sometimes I yearn to have space....though that is perhaps okay as when I had Katie, I didn't have four kids and I didn't really go on the computer much at all, which then makes me think that maybe I should limit my time on the computer more and Do and Be with him more as I know how quickly it will pass....yet I also like connecting with others online and reading on the is a fine dance to balance it all....I suppose balance is the key along with keeping kids as priority, and not forgetting myself too but in little chunks as I can do it.

Also, I have been missing my grandparents and other loved ones in my life so much lately. Pa and Grandma were like another set of parents for me and my brother and I am taking a writing class and just wrote about my Grandma last night and it would have been Pa's 102nd birthday on the 8th.

And my stepfather has been gone for two years now as of September, so I think about how my mom must feel without him to talk to and share her life with and love and be loved. Yes, it does help me to remember to appreciate the now, but I also sometimes feel sad at what others might be feeling or think about how I might one day feel.

Heavy stuff ....written as Kanoa and the other kids are still sleeping.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Li being so helpful

Li has been SO helpful lately.  He brought out a chair without even being asked for friends who were visiting.  I had stepped out and they needed an extra chair, and apparently he brought one in on his back from another room.  That was so nice of him!

A couple of days later he helped me so much in the grocery store...actually he and Makana both we could make our shopping trip faster.  When we got home, I left the groceries in the car because playing outside with Kanoa seemed more important right away and I thought I'd get to the groceries in just a short while.  Li remembered that the whipping cream (which I bought to make crepes for him when his friend visits) was still in the back of the car and brought All the groceries in.  Not only did he do that, but he put them all away!!!  I was so surprised that the groceries were put away and thought that Katie must have done it somehow, but when I asked her, she said she hadn't done it.  So I asked Li and then thanked him!  Wow!  How nice that was!

Apple Picking At Hope Orchards Saturday October 6, 2012

Had a great family time at Hope Orchards picking apples and then playing at True Park across the street.  When we got to the orchard, Makana and Kanoa ran!!  They were So excited to get to where we could pick and then so excited to find apples that they thought were good ones.  Makana's bag broke and she put them in my bag and then decided to use her shirt to collect some more.  Jim and I sampled one each right off the tree and they were tart, yet delicious.  We bought one gallon of cider and some dehydrated apples as well.  (To make them at home - 175 degrees for 8 hours in a dehydrator with some sugar to crisp them and some cinnamon for taste - hoping to try that sometime!)  We played lots at the playground and then even found a ball in the woods to use on the basketball courts and kicked it around or tried to make some baskets.  It was such a nice time together!  The kind of day when we might think back and remember and get that good feeling inside about the moments shared on that cloudy day we went apple picking and played at the park.